Wow this is the first time I’ve ever read an honest piece of writing on new motherhood. This was amazing. Maybe it’s not like this for some people, obviously how can I know, but for me it was exactly like this and I felt like no one wanted to hear about it. I had a helpful spouse, family and friends but still felt completely isolated and alone because it didn’t seem like they really knew how I felt. Specifically, they didn’t seem to want to know how I felt.
I'm so sorry it was so hard for you too. I know exactly what you mean. I felt there was no space for me to express that I was actually really struggling, especially as I had been trying for a baby for so long, it felt like the only thing people felt they wanted to hear was how happy and overjoyed I must be. It's very isolating xx
🥰🥰💚💚. Turning 60 this year but every word resonated from those early months of all 3 of my girls. Nanni sent it to my oldest & mother of my grandson. I’m sure your honesty & humanity will be joy to every new mum Yasmin
Hard relate! VERY traumatic birth, felt how insane it was that after a difficult pregnancy and a birth so drawn out and horrendous I didn’t sleep for 4 days I was left with a tiny bundle pretty much dependent on me. And beast feeding became impossible because when I finally did get some sleep, I was shaken awake by the post natal nurses at 2am who insisted I give Adam a bottle. After telling me my nipples were the wrong shape for breast feeding. Cue similar round of specialists and constant round the clock expressing until my aunt took me in hand and told me I was being ridiculous. By that point Shariq was sure I was a full on psycho through sleep deprivation. I still feel angry about it all now! There was a lot I enjoyed too, he was then and is now wonderful to be with. And like you I had wanted a child for a very long time and wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen. I never lost the feeling of sheer gratitude that he was born. But it was not an easy time and I came out of it thinking about how much of what women go through is so needless. And that there is a culture of silence around what a lot of it can be like. The life changing risks of natural child birth - still affecting me 15 years on - being the main one for me.
Oh god Catherine I’m so sorry you had an awful birth. I went through a very similar thing with breastfeeding. It sent me crazy, honestly. It got a lot better when I stopped. And yes, the culture of silence around so much of women’s suffering is real. I also have found it enraging
Love this!!!! As a mother who did not enjoy those early baby days as much as others seemed to, I believe some of us come into our own as our kid(s) get older. I flipping love being a mum now and have done year on year. So while some people might not love the role of mother at first, that can totally change as their kid grows and the role changes. I think that is important for people to know! Also can I just put it out there (that no one tells people): having one kid and no more can be AMAZING - for the kid and the parents.
I experienced SO much rage. We pulled out the rocking deckchair we were given when our son was born and siting on it is very triggering 😂 oh and I also 100% had PTSD from the birth. All in all I was not the earth mother I imagined I’d be in the early days. Like, not at ALL. Now I really enjoy it and I like to think I’m pretty good at it. Let’s check back in on that in the teen years though…😂
Thanks for the one child shout out Selina! I was very lucky to have a very positive experience of new motherhood and although of course there have been many rough times along the way I’ve loved every stage of being a mother. But now that my daughter is nearly 4 I just don’t feel any particular desire to have another! Sure, I would love to relive some of the experiences I had with her, but being a one child family is actually lovely and when I spend time with friends with larger families I come away thinking that this chaos is just not for me 🤣 it’s really nice being able to just focus on my daughter and give her my all, and as she gets older life is just starting to feel nice and calm. Always good to hear other people saying similar because honestly other people’s judgement is one of the main factors that makes me doubt my decision. They say that one child families are becoming much more common but unfortunately not in my circles!
Congratulations, Yasmin! What a lovely summation of motherhood, messy, crazy, a mixed bag like life itself! I could not agree with you more abt hunger during breastfeeding phase. I was ravenous ALL THE TIME but had no energy or time to cook.
Ohhhh this is beautifully expressed Yasmin, I relate to each of those 16 points! Sounds like you've really been through it and experienced the whole spectrum of highs and lows. I see you!!!!
Honestly, I still feel like we are in the thick of it, with our second who is 16 months old now. But the first 6 months or so with the colic and the relentless crying at night, and the various appointments about is he/isn´t he tongue-tied and does he need more milk or less milk, and 4 naps per day walking in the sling and so on and so on. It was endless and so impossibly hard at the time.
And I really thought birth was going to be a more serene experience the second time but nope, again it was traumatic and involved haemorrhaging and complications afterwards etc and I get tears just reading your lines about that, I guess because it´s all stored up in my mind filed somewhere under Awful Try Not to Think About It and I empathise so hard with your feelings around this.
I think you captured the joys, paradoxes and horrors beautifully! Welcome back to Substack and work in general! Big hug
Oh hon, that sounds so hard and intense. I’m so sorry your second birth was also traumatic, it definitely stays with you and it’s devastating. We’re obviously still in it too at 9 months. But I’m told it gets easier? And am hanging on for dear life! Sending much love xxx
I just loved this so much. All of it but especially ”You can love your child but not love being a mother” - still feels like that a lots of times even many years later.
You still get stuck in doing a lot of things you resist to, things that need to get done - get frustrated while having so much love for the family.
Yes!!! This should be required reading before leaving the hospital. Someone should hold the baby for a moment, give the new mom a nice cup of good coffee, and hand them this article. They can let the mom know that she might enjoy every minute of it, but that if she doesn't, it's 100% normal and OK. Yasmin! Thank you! Sometimes it takes an amazing writer to shed light onto a topic most people aren't talking about.
It took us years to finally have our baby, and I had such shame that I didn't love every minute of being a new mom. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about the struggle because our entire precious village knew how much we wanted to be parents. You can REALLY WANT to be a mom and also really STRUGGLE BEING a mom. Had I been given this article when we brought home our daughter years ago, I swear it would have changed so many things for me and likely allowed me to lean in a bit more. Thank you, Yasmin!
Wow this is the first time I’ve ever read an honest piece of writing on new motherhood. This was amazing. Maybe it’s not like this for some people, obviously how can I know, but for me it was exactly like this and I felt like no one wanted to hear about it. I had a helpful spouse, family and friends but still felt completely isolated and alone because it didn’t seem like they really knew how I felt. Specifically, they didn’t seem to want to know how I felt.
I'm so sorry it was so hard for you too. I know exactly what you mean. I felt there was no space for me to express that I was actually really struggling, especially as I had been trying for a baby for so long, it felt like the only thing people felt they wanted to hear was how happy and overjoyed I must be. It's very isolating xx
Such wisdom and truth here Yasmin. Welcome back to your world, you tell a powerful story of motherhood.
🥰🥰💚💚. Turning 60 this year but every word resonated from those early months of all 3 of my girls. Nanni sent it to my oldest & mother of my grandson. I’m sure your honesty & humanity will be joy to every new mum Yasmin
Hard relate! VERY traumatic birth, felt how insane it was that after a difficult pregnancy and a birth so drawn out and horrendous I didn’t sleep for 4 days I was left with a tiny bundle pretty much dependent on me. And beast feeding became impossible because when I finally did get some sleep, I was shaken awake by the post natal nurses at 2am who insisted I give Adam a bottle. After telling me my nipples were the wrong shape for breast feeding. Cue similar round of specialists and constant round the clock expressing until my aunt took me in hand and told me I was being ridiculous. By that point Shariq was sure I was a full on psycho through sleep deprivation. I still feel angry about it all now! There was a lot I enjoyed too, he was then and is now wonderful to be with. And like you I had wanted a child for a very long time and wasn’t sure it was ever going to happen. I never lost the feeling of sheer gratitude that he was born. But it was not an easy time and I came out of it thinking about how much of what women go through is so needless. And that there is a culture of silence around what a lot of it can be like. The life changing risks of natural child birth - still affecting me 15 years on - being the main one for me.
Oh god Catherine I’m so sorry you had an awful birth. I went through a very similar thing with breastfeeding. It sent me crazy, honestly. It got a lot better when I stopped. And yes, the culture of silence around so much of women’s suffering is real. I also have found it enraging
Have any of you ladies watched documentary Witches, it is streaming on MUBI -> some very brave women made it…
Love this!!!! As a mother who did not enjoy those early baby days as much as others seemed to, I believe some of us come into our own as our kid(s) get older. I flipping love being a mum now and have done year on year. So while some people might not love the role of mother at first, that can totally change as their kid grows and the role changes. I think that is important for people to know! Also can I just put it out there (that no one tells people): having one kid and no more can be AMAZING - for the kid and the parents.
Right? I think so many people feel like they are failing because I aren't loving every minute.
I experienced SO much rage. We pulled out the rocking deckchair we were given when our son was born and siting on it is very triggering 😂 oh and I also 100% had PTSD from the birth. All in all I was not the earth mother I imagined I’d be in the early days. Like, not at ALL. Now I really enjoy it and I like to think I’m pretty good at it. Let’s check back in on that in the teen years though…😂
Thanks for the one child shout out Selina! I was very lucky to have a very positive experience of new motherhood and although of course there have been many rough times along the way I’ve loved every stage of being a mother. But now that my daughter is nearly 4 I just don’t feel any particular desire to have another! Sure, I would love to relive some of the experiences I had with her, but being a one child family is actually lovely and when I spend time with friends with larger families I come away thinking that this chaos is just not for me 🤣 it’s really nice being able to just focus on my daughter and give her my all, and as she gets older life is just starting to feel nice and calm. Always good to hear other people saying similar because honestly other people’s judgement is one of the main factors that makes me doubt my decision. They say that one child families are becoming much more common but unfortunately not in my circles!
I agree with everything here! The chaos is real 😂 Here’s to one child families being complete ❤️❤️❤️
Gosh I felt every word of this. I found the new born phase so hard. And same on the breastfeeding! It. Just. Doesn’t. Work. For. Some. Of. Us.
It really doesn’t! No one talks about this and the feelings of guilt are soooo bad. I feel so mad about it still
Congratulations, Yasmin! What a lovely summation of motherhood, messy, crazy, a mixed bag like life itself! I could not agree with you more abt hunger during breastfeeding phase. I was ravenous ALL THE TIME but had no energy or time to cook.
Thank you!! The hunger is REAL
Ohhhh this is beautifully expressed Yasmin, I relate to each of those 16 points! Sounds like you've really been through it and experienced the whole spectrum of highs and lows. I see you!!!!
Honestly, I still feel like we are in the thick of it, with our second who is 16 months old now. But the first 6 months or so with the colic and the relentless crying at night, and the various appointments about is he/isn´t he tongue-tied and does he need more milk or less milk, and 4 naps per day walking in the sling and so on and so on. It was endless and so impossibly hard at the time.
And I really thought birth was going to be a more serene experience the second time but nope, again it was traumatic and involved haemorrhaging and complications afterwards etc and I get tears just reading your lines about that, I guess because it´s all stored up in my mind filed somewhere under Awful Try Not to Think About It and I empathise so hard with your feelings around this.
I think you captured the joys, paradoxes and horrors beautifully! Welcome back to Substack and work in general! Big hug
Oh hon, that sounds so hard and intense. I’m so sorry your second birth was also traumatic, it definitely stays with you and it’s devastating. We’re obviously still in it too at 9 months. But I’m told it gets easier? And am hanging on for dear life! Sending much love xxx
I just loved this so much. All of it but especially ”You can love your child but not love being a mother” - still feels like that a lots of times even many years later.
You still get stuck in doing a lot of things you resist to, things that need to get done - get frustrated while having so much love for the family.
Such a mix that is life :)
My baby is turning 6 months in a couple of days and oh boy do I agree with all the points you write about! Good one, Yasmin! ❤️❤️
Yes.
Yes!!! This should be required reading before leaving the hospital. Someone should hold the baby for a moment, give the new mom a nice cup of good coffee, and hand them this article. They can let the mom know that she might enjoy every minute of it, but that if she doesn't, it's 100% normal and OK. Yasmin! Thank you! Sometimes it takes an amazing writer to shed light onto a topic most people aren't talking about.
It took us years to finally have our baby, and I had such shame that I didn't love every minute of being a new mom. I didn't feel like I could tell anyone about the struggle because our entire precious village knew how much we wanted to be parents. You can REALLY WANT to be a mom and also really STRUGGLE BEING a mom. Had I been given this article when we brought home our daughter years ago, I swear it would have changed so many things for me and likely allowed me to lean in a bit more. Thank you, Yasmin!